Mom , housewife,daughter who am I ?

Why is it difficult to be a mom

Over the years of being a daughter then a wife and now a mom I have slowly and surely lost the real me , in the midst of juggling several roles . I know as you grow older life throws different challenges at you , you just have to move on stronger and face these challenges and try to give it the best you possible. But in this constant battle to juggle several roles, slowly but surely your needs your passion your dreams take a back seat. It can start form the small things like compromising the food you like over the food your husband or kids like, to larger things like career , time etc.

Over the last few days of soul searching I have really been trying to find the real me, who am I ? what do I like, what do I want from life ? Questions that used to be very easy to answer before but today I am struggling to find answers to.

Life has been limited to the ones between mon and Friday work/School  and the weekends preparing for work/School.

Yesterday I was hearing a talk about soul searching and finding the answers to why you are not happy and grateful for being where you are that it struck a chord with me as to why I can be grateful and happy and why I can make a choice that would truly make me happy ?

Somedays I want to be a mom and some days a career women, why cant I find the one thing that truly makes me happy ?

Over the next few days I am keen to find more about me and explore more things that would add a feather to my hat. By end of this year my goal is to ensure I have learnt new skills, done new things , worked my way closer to a happier me, and most importantly finding me . 

30.03.2016

Gratitude

Yesterday was the first day back to work after a long break , and funny enough though I was exhausted and tired for once I was not grumpy or sad . I felt normal to be back at work , as though this is now become part of life.

I am extremely happy that coming to work has become easier as I really want to finish off 2016 being a positive person. Even in terms of responses to roles I am have better response than before and things do look like a new wave.

At home, things are clearly stressful with my husband busy with our PR document collation and Pranav not keeping too well. I am grateful that Anish can work from home or god knows what I would have done in such scenarios.

Having done a marathon cooking over the weekend has helped a lot to making my cooking simple. Which indeed relaxes me a lot, I really should do this more often .

Had an early sleep in post a forgetful catfight.

Overall a usual day with some ups and downs , but I am grateful and happy for having many blessings in life.

The week that went

It’s been a long break from Gratitude I must say but what matters is despite the break I am sticking to it

It’s been a good 4 days of Easter break , something I was really looking forward to

Started off Thursday will a night out at my friends place with loads of chit chat cards and take away a truly great way to start the weekend,

Friday was a late start with a good lay in, a much needed one. Something I have been wanting to do for a while.

Post that after much planning we headed out to a park with a train and a lake and the kids spend a fun day out playing and the adults relaxing .

Then came the much unexpected twist , with Pranav falling sick and being down, over the last few years I have never seen him so exhausted as he was the last few days. He was completely Knocked out. I am happy that we had leaves and not have to worry about who juggles their work to be with him, as more than anything the worst feeling you can have is to walk away to work when your son is sick.

I ended up at home for the next three days , just munching junk, watching movies , chit chats with husband and son and cleaning of course how would I miss that .

I felt completely relaxed and happy to be at home. Monday morning post a visit to the doctors we ventured out to the shops to buy the much essential groceries and followed this by a mega cooking in the evening and a chit chat over coffee with friends. The weekend was truly over in style with a little bit of everything --- fun relaxing , sit seeing , shopping , sleeping , watching tv , fighting.

I am happy and grateful for having a wonderful week 

23.03.2016

Gratitude

My lull with work sadly continues . somehow no matter how hard I seem to focus my CV’s submitted has come crashing down and it surely does not look too great for anyone’s sake. Hopefully I will have a miracle breakthrough soon.

Another dumber was the fact that the only colleague I speak to is now moving on to a better opportunity and hence I really am now alone and by myself , it would be good for me as I would be able to focus more on work.

But setting this aside, I have made a good progress with my relationship with Pranav, I am happy to see how happy and settled he is when I am all calm with him , hoping to improve this a lot more over the next few week.

I really need to focus on his improvement personally both in terms of his exposure to new things and also his learning, I guess the more he reads and writes and learns the better it is for him later on.

I continue to have developed a wonderful group of friends that I can now relate to and speak to , it does make life a lot lighter.

Being grateful and happy

22.03.2016

Being grateful

I am afraid did not start off to a great start on Monday by skipping writing this , no excuses here just plain lazy

So I am going to pack the whole weekend and Monday into one big letter to self.

The weekend was packed with cleaning cooking and spending time with Pranav .

I am happy at the progress I am slowly making with Pranav and the time I am spending with him and slowly I am trying really hard to stay calmer with him.

So we did our reading , practice handwriting and even had a Malayalam class in between , so overall I am happy at the improvement I am making with him.

Besides that my OCD side was also very pleased at the amount of cleaning I was able to get through. Even though this would only last a couple of days , I am happy I made the progress.

We finally managed to start work on our PR , it’s a long documentation process but slowly we are working towards it.

Monday work wise was slight slow and struggling I don’t know why I am unable to get any better at work

Evening finished well with swimming, though I still suck at it , I am happy I am sticking to it

Overall busy weekend and a hopeful week ahead , good to be happy

Gratitude 18.03.2016

After a rather disappointing day I am back to find things to be grateful about .

Thursday was a much better day overall .Even though work wise I am still not there yet. I am hoping that next week gets better. Somehow I seem to be stuck.

I am trying really hard to get my motivation going and to keep at it , but it’s hard when you put in the grind and you are not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel . I am still steering ahead in the hope to see the light soon.

Thursdays are always a good day for me because

One I have music classes and two because we are almost near the weekend and that is always good.

I had my music classes as always and I don’t know what it is about the classes but I enjoy it so much that I feel so light by the end of the session. Tension relieved.

Next after class was a no cooking day and after being a mom and a wife , having a no cooking day is like getting promoted at work . It’s the best feeling ever, to come home to know you don’t have to care.

Post which the usual chit chats with friends late into the night. I love the bond my son has with the  kids of my friends , it’s almost so precious that I feel worried at the thought of them moving away sometimes.

But I love the relationship they have where they look forward to doing everything together, sleep, eat , school everything.

I am indeed blessed and happy 

I dont know how she does it ! well she doesn't

I was watching this movie post the lull of being an absolute failure at being a mom and I honestly don't know how people do it, everyday.

Ever since my son was born , every second of mine has been a choice, should I do this for me , or do that for my husband or do another for my son's sake. Every choice I make , I regret it at some level for one reason for the other. If I am happy doing something, I feel guilty that my son and husband has been deprived of my time.

Its a constant run and most of the time, no one is happy and you are exhausted. I feel like there is no perfect solution or a so called work life balance that exist. It is always going to be extremely unbalanced and unfair, but you juts got to move on and make choices.

Will you ever be a 100% sure of your choices you make? Small or big, from whether to be there to drop him at school or go to work,to spending time with him or doing the chores. you can never be a 100% sure. You just make a choice and hope that atleast someone is happy with your choice and the others would get over it. But most likely most often the one left extremely unhappy and exhausted at the end of this all is the mom.

Why do we have to have it all? sometimes I wonder. My mom was a stay at home mom and she was happy and always there for us . Why do women have to make a choice to be at home or not to be.
Why are there no career paths designed for a women to have it all.

I wish there were more roles that offered flexibility and more than anything I wish there were more jobs that offered empathy to the constant struggle of a women only trying to have a normal life like man. He can be a father and be great at his work, but why do women often struggle with it all.

Gratitude 17.03.2016

Unfortunately this has been a rather bad day in my life since starting to write this gratitude note. And throughout the day as it got worse and worse I could not stop myself from thinking all the time, what will I write for gratitude ? Unfortunately I have failed to have any today.

Yesterday I felt like a total failure professionally personally and most importantly as a mom !
Yesterday's serious of events left me feeling extremely low about myself and me as a mother.

I am sorry but today I honestly cant think of anything

Gratitude 16.03.2016

Yesterday was again not very eventful work wise. I am still struggling to find any good people for the roles I am working and losing the moment is worrying me to be honest. But I am not giving up , I ll keep trying hopefully one way or the other something will come out of the hard work.

I am also working on sorting out my career and personnel objectives , I need to get my life sorted in a way that I am happy and peaceful and I am genuinely grateful for being here. It’s a long journey but I am surely making tiny steps towards it.

1.       Yesterday since Pranav did not have his dance class , we got to spend more time at home, I love the energy he comes home from school with. He chit chats nonstop and talks to me like a grown up about all the great things he achieved and did at school , and then he walks around the house asking for food , milk this and that just like his dad. I enjoy seeing how he acts being so mature when actually he is still just a little kid.

2.       Pranav and Anish sat down and made an aeroplane as an activity to do for his school.

3.       Me and him also sat down to do his math which I am happy with the progress we made yesterday. If only I get 2 days a week with him like this I would be happy with his progress.

I have notice that when Pranav is truly happy and content he comes to you and gives you a kiss out of the blue. Yesterday I received several of those and every time it melts away my stress and sorrows.

Life is still stressful but slowly I am learning to disconnect from it and not to let it affect my life. I am very happy with the progress I have made so far.

I am happy and grateful , Life is good. 

Gratitude 15.03.2016

5 days and going strong

I am happy that I have stuck to this for the last 5 days and I am hoping to continue.

Yesterday work-wise I did not have much luck or progression with the CV’s really drying out . I need to really find other ways to search for CVS as this one is clearly not good enough at the moment. Hopefully I am at a better position by end of week.

Go to know that the swimming lessons have been cancelled , though little bumped at the fact that the routine takes a hit , I am happy to have some time at home to relax as I really needed it.

Went straight to shop to get some groceries and unlike other times where we end up in the hotel ,we went straight back home to eat food from home, whats the big deal , people wonder, well I am trying really hard to ensure we as a family eat healthy, Indian and homemade. So far we have been doing really well at it. Ended up making  masala dosa with white and red chutney and sambhar , hotel style

Also got time to make a few curries and stock up which would help me for the rest of the week. Pranav too finished his dinner which for him is a big deal. So food wise a grand success indeed.

Finished a story book with Pranav in bed and slept like a log.

I do need to really improve productivity work front and I also need to seriously look into my sinus , it is becoming a bit of a pain for me.

But overall I am happy with the progress I am making so far , slowly but surely I feel like I am getting if not more positive, I am surely getting less negative day by day. 

Gratitude 14.03.2016

Monday after a weekend

This is for both Saturday and Sunday together , so the list better be long.

To be honest the weekend was not the most exciting for the major part of it.

·         Friday evening was a usual day of chit chats with friends and dinner and then a good Madhavan movie. The movie was very pleasant to watch and quite motivating.

·         Saturday got off to a slow start with some wonderful precious time spend cuddling with Pranav in the bed. This is the time I most enjoy with my son , relaxing in the bed listening to his imagination and his perspective on things in life.

·         Lunch was a usual Indian meal at home and then a rather uneventful evening. I managed to spend a few hours with my son to do his homework and do the book reading and also do a few maths challenge. Late night gave me and my friend an opportunity to take the kids out to a nearby café and followed by a never ending hours of chit chats and bearing the heart out session late into the night.

·         Sunday was the most relaxing day with extra time in bed and again lots of cuddle and talks , followed by a lull in my spirits and things going really downhill. I was indeed very worried that the major part of this day was spent in a rather gloomy way , until evening when I managed to scrape back .Evening Pranav headed out to a friend’s party and me to a girl friends chit chat, with hot tea and bhajji followed by a dinner with a friend and her little girl who celebrated her birthday.

This weekend I have come to realize that despite the lows in life if at least 50 % of your life is covered with highs , the memory of life at the end of the day is only about the highs and the lows disappear.

Overall I am very happy that despite the frequent lows , the overall weekend was positive and I am happy that I was able to move faster past the lows of life.

Overall I am happy and positive . 

Friday 11.03.2016 Gratitude

Friday 11.03.2016

Gratitude 

It has been three days since I am writing this and I have to say life is slowly but surely getting less stressful .But I guess it is too early to say that, I still have 18 more days to go before it becomes a habit. 

Yesterday started off with a horrible start at work with a candidate of mine in the final round of discussions with the client being rejected. I was devastated because I had a lot of hope put on this commissions. But anyway’s maybe it was not meant to be. 

I am happy at the way I responded to this bad news, in usual scenario I would take it quite personnel and would be grumpy for the rest of the week, but yesterday I chose to move past it as something I have very little control over. 

I went for my music classes yesterday evening, I am not a great singer I am not even close , but the sense of calm that singing brings to my life is something beyond words. I am really happy that I took the time out for this and I am sticking to it. 

Though I do believe that I need to rearrange my life a bit to be able to accommodate everything and also have time for Pranav, as I feel I hardly see him over the week. But I am working towards it. 

As usual I am always grateful to my husband for being a wonderful father and taking Pranav out for swimming, my wonderful friends for thinking about my son as their own and to god for the good health that he has gifted us all. 

Thank you for giving me a wonderful and happy life. 

  

Gratitude : 10.03.2016

Gratitude 

Yesterday was an ordinary day , nothing exciting besides the usual mundane work and household activities. 

After work I went straight to a friend’s place who has already picked my son from school , we had coffee and chit chat , and managed to de stress.  I honestly have begun to feel like home here now, only because of such wonderful friends who live nearby.

Went ahead and made some delicious dinner of Dosa and Kerala Egg roast and managed to clean my house and wash a load of clothes , for many this might look like not a big deal, but I am extremely happy when I have a clean house , and even if this is going to last only for a few hours , thanks to the super clean husband!! I am happy I managed to tidy up.

Pranav has been extremely well behaved and happy this week and much of it is due to the time he gets now with his friends and also all the engaging activities he gets involved in, there is no time for him to be bored or lonely. I would like to be able to spend more time with him studying which I am guilty of not having enough time now, but besides that I am very happy with how he has evolved into a mature young independent kid so far ..

I am happy and I am grateful for a wonderful family , good health and happiness. 

Gratitude - 3 minutes of a day, one day every day

Yesterday I saw Shawn Anchor's TED talk on the secret to happiness in workplace. It was a very interesting topic and especially relevant to my current scenario. 

As explained several times in the past, I constantly struggle to stay positive and while I succeed doing it for a couple of days when I consciously practice the same, I am always struggling after few days. The past couple of days were the lull after the good days of positivity. He said that being positive and happy increases your productivity up to 33 %. I am aware that as personally I am much successful at work when I recruit with a positive and happy mind than when I am low and negative. 

I know it’s all easy said and done and the tough part is to continue it as a daily habit. It takes 21 days to make a habit, so here is the plan. 

I want to spend 15 minutes every day at the start of the day to be grateful for 3 things in my life, maybe I will take reference to the day before. And also he said that you need to write thank you or recognise one person for the good thing that they do.  I am not sure how far I will be able to do this second part everyday but I will try. 

So starting today 

1. First of all I am grateful that I stumbled upon this video at the right time yesterday before my life crashed into a negative gloom , which to be honest I am tired of. 
2. I am grateful for having a very understanding and accommodating son and husband who despite all the fights we have make my life so wonderful. I am grateful for having wonderful parents and a beautiful sister and brother in law who ground me and make me who I am today. They are always there for my every decision.
3. I am grateful to have a job that I am relatively good at, paying me enough to buy the things I wish for. 

Thank you!! I do have a wonderful life. 

07.03.2016 - March Monday- Friends to be grateful for

Here we go again

Weekends fly like it never happened , before the blink of an eye , the weekend is over

As usual Anish had a business trip to Cardiff and I am so fortunate to have good friends around who are willing to take care of my son early  in the morning and take him to school. Hence life has moved as normal.

More or else a very mundane day at work , getting back to things always takes some time and today was more or less a very unproductive day work wise.

I am keen to get back on track from tomorrow and hopefully by the end of the week work wise, must focus on being more productive.

Working on getting more positive in life , its very hard to let go and but adamant to get it right.

I am learning to swim today for the 2nd day , as of now I am horrible at it , I am hoping things get better , only 8 more classes to go.