Mom , housewife,daughter who am I ?

Why is it difficult to be a mom

Over the years of being a daughter then a wife and now a mom I have slowly and surely lost the real me , in the midst of juggling several roles . I know as you grow older life throws different challenges at you , you just have to move on stronger and face these challenges and try to give it the best you possible. But in this constant battle to juggle several roles, slowly but surely your needs your passion your dreams take a back seat. It can start form the small things like compromising the food you like over the food your husband or kids like, to larger things like career , time etc.

Over the last few days of soul searching I have really been trying to find the real me, who am I ? what do I like, what do I want from life ? Questions that used to be very easy to answer before but today I am struggling to find answers to.

Life has been limited to the ones between mon and Friday work/School  and the weekends preparing for work/School.

Yesterday I was hearing a talk about soul searching and finding the answers to why you are not happy and grateful for being where you are that it struck a chord with me as to why I can be grateful and happy and why I can make a choice that would truly make me happy ?

Somedays I want to be a mom and some days a career women, why cant I find the one thing that truly makes me happy ?

Over the next few days I am keen to find more about me and explore more things that would add a feather to my hat. By end of this year my goal is to ensure I have learnt new skills, done new things , worked my way closer to a happier me, and most importantly finding me . 

30.03.2016

Gratitude

Yesterday was the first day back to work after a long break , and funny enough though I was exhausted and tired for once I was not grumpy or sad . I felt normal to be back at work , as though this is now become part of life.

I am extremely happy that coming to work has become easier as I really want to finish off 2016 being a positive person. Even in terms of responses to roles I am have better response than before and things do look like a new wave.

At home, things are clearly stressful with my husband busy with our PR document collation and Pranav not keeping too well. I am grateful that Anish can work from home or god knows what I would have done in such scenarios.

Having done a marathon cooking over the weekend has helped a lot to making my cooking simple. Which indeed relaxes me a lot, I really should do this more often .

Had an early sleep in post a forgetful catfight.

Overall a usual day with some ups and downs , but I am grateful and happy for having many blessings in life.

The week that went

It’s been a long break from Gratitude I must say but what matters is despite the break I am sticking to it

It’s been a good 4 days of Easter break , something I was really looking forward to

Started off Thursday will a night out at my friends place with loads of chit chat cards and take away a truly great way to start the weekend,

Friday was a late start with a good lay in, a much needed one. Something I have been wanting to do for a while.

Post that after much planning we headed out to a park with a train and a lake and the kids spend a fun day out playing and the adults relaxing .

Then came the much unexpected twist , with Pranav falling sick and being down, over the last few years I have never seen him so exhausted as he was the last few days. He was completely Knocked out. I am happy that we had leaves and not have to worry about who juggles their work to be with him, as more than anything the worst feeling you can have is to walk away to work when your son is sick.

I ended up at home for the next three days , just munching junk, watching movies , chit chats with husband and son and cleaning of course how would I miss that .

I felt completely relaxed and happy to be at home. Monday morning post a visit to the doctors we ventured out to the shops to buy the much essential groceries and followed this by a mega cooking in the evening and a chit chat over coffee with friends. The weekend was truly over in style with a little bit of everything --- fun relaxing , sit seeing , shopping , sleeping , watching tv , fighting.

I am happy and grateful for having a wonderful week 

23.03.2016

Gratitude

My lull with work sadly continues . somehow no matter how hard I seem to focus my CV’s submitted has come crashing down and it surely does not look too great for anyone’s sake. Hopefully I will have a miracle breakthrough soon.

Another dumber was the fact that the only colleague I speak to is now moving on to a better opportunity and hence I really am now alone and by myself , it would be good for me as I would be able to focus more on work.

But setting this aside, I have made a good progress with my relationship with Pranav, I am happy to see how happy and settled he is when I am all calm with him , hoping to improve this a lot more over the next few week.

I really need to focus on his improvement personally both in terms of his exposure to new things and also his learning, I guess the more he reads and writes and learns the better it is for him later on.

I continue to have developed a wonderful group of friends that I can now relate to and speak to , it does make life a lot lighter.

Being grateful and happy

22.03.2016

Being grateful

I am afraid did not start off to a great start on Monday by skipping writing this , no excuses here just plain lazy

So I am going to pack the whole weekend and Monday into one big letter to self.

The weekend was packed with cleaning cooking and spending time with Pranav .

I am happy at the progress I am slowly making with Pranav and the time I am spending with him and slowly I am trying really hard to stay calmer with him.

So we did our reading , practice handwriting and even had a Malayalam class in between , so overall I am happy at the improvement I am making with him.

Besides that my OCD side was also very pleased at the amount of cleaning I was able to get through. Even though this would only last a couple of days , I am happy I made the progress.

We finally managed to start work on our PR , it’s a long documentation process but slowly we are working towards it.

Monday work wise was slight slow and struggling I don’t know why I am unable to get any better at work

Evening finished well with swimming, though I still suck at it , I am happy I am sticking to it

Overall busy weekend and a hopeful week ahead , good to be happy

Gratitude 18.03.2016

After a rather disappointing day I am back to find things to be grateful about .

Thursday was a much better day overall .Even though work wise I am still not there yet. I am hoping that next week gets better. Somehow I seem to be stuck.

I am trying really hard to get my motivation going and to keep at it , but it’s hard when you put in the grind and you are not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel . I am still steering ahead in the hope to see the light soon.

Thursdays are always a good day for me because

One I have music classes and two because we are almost near the weekend and that is always good.

I had my music classes as always and I don’t know what it is about the classes but I enjoy it so much that I feel so light by the end of the session. Tension relieved.

Next after class was a no cooking day and after being a mom and a wife , having a no cooking day is like getting promoted at work . It’s the best feeling ever, to come home to know you don’t have to care.

Post which the usual chit chats with friends late into the night. I love the bond my son has with the  kids of my friends , it’s almost so precious that I feel worried at the thought of them moving away sometimes.

But I love the relationship they have where they look forward to doing everything together, sleep, eat , school everything.

I am indeed blessed and happy 

I dont know how she does it ! well she doesn't

I was watching this movie post the lull of being an absolute failure at being a mom and I honestly don't know how people do it, everyday.

Ever since my son was born , every second of mine has been a choice, should I do this for me , or do that for my husband or do another for my son's sake. Every choice I make , I regret it at some level for one reason for the other. If I am happy doing something, I feel guilty that my son and husband has been deprived of my time.

Its a constant run and most of the time, no one is happy and you are exhausted. I feel like there is no perfect solution or a so called work life balance that exist. It is always going to be extremely unbalanced and unfair, but you juts got to move on and make choices.

Will you ever be a 100% sure of your choices you make? Small or big, from whether to be there to drop him at school or go to work,to spending time with him or doing the chores. you can never be a 100% sure. You just make a choice and hope that atleast someone is happy with your choice and the others would get over it. But most likely most often the one left extremely unhappy and exhausted at the end of this all is the mom.

Why do we have to have it all? sometimes I wonder. My mom was a stay at home mom and she was happy and always there for us . Why do women have to make a choice to be at home or not to be.
Why are there no career paths designed for a women to have it all.

I wish there were more roles that offered flexibility and more than anything I wish there were more jobs that offered empathy to the constant struggle of a women only trying to have a normal life like man. He can be a father and be great at his work, but why do women often struggle with it all.