Finding me , finding happiness

Last few years have been a constant struggle in my pursuit to rediscover the lost me , who am I what do I need to do to be happy , why do I feel empty, I question myself everyday. Yesterday during one of my early morning awakening moments I said to myself , may be it is worth you jotting your thoughts down, so here goes the humble attempt on day one .

It has been ages I have been to drop my little one in school, seems a trivial activity but I really enjoy the whole being the first one he sees in the morning, getting him ready , walking to school , picking from school , in short being the mom . today was one of those rare days I got to do this and I totally enjoyed the moment while it lasted. 

I am always one to stress out about everything ,to the point that I stress out if everything seems normal , sounds weird I know but it is a habit I have grown up with . I have always wondered why it is not easy for me to snap out and be positive, but I think childhood experiences have long term effects on you in ways you never realise it has and this too is one of them. I will leave the reason for another time. So from this perspective, I feel just this attempt to look at the positives in life is a big leap of faith for me.

Happiness for today 

• Leaving and picking from school 
• Having the extra half an hour of sleeping in esp on a Monday morning.
• Shutting the laptop at 5:30 knowing fully that there is no train to catch no escalators to run to be home.
• Knowing a friend daughter got into a school of her choice
• Knowing I dont need to stress about dinner on a monday morning as there is plenty of leftovers
•  Telling my son over and over again that I love him so much , :) My favourite one!

I know these seems trivial in the grand scheme of things but happiness comes from little things and llittle moments like these , so let the work begin 

Good night !

PS i am not proof reading this , as this is for me and only me :) so let the flaws remain !

Life is short !

Today fascinated to calculate the number I realized that I have lived 11,367 days in this world. Looking back at all that days I was happy and sad to remember all the memories made. Strangely enough I have spent about 2180 days with my husband and just under 1991 days with my son. And clearly these 1991 days are by far the strongest and best memories I have of life. 

I would possibly have another 5000 days with him before he is 20 and when I put all this into perspective I realise how little time I have left.

I need to embrace the time I have , enjoy the life I have left and be happy , because these 10000 odd days will never come back and all I have left is another 10000 days to make them beautiful. 

The weekend was busy and fun as always, catching up with friends. Had a stay over at the friends place and it was simply wonderful to see the bond the kids have made and how they enjoyed the little things in life like climbing up and down stairs and laughing silly at nothing. 

All this followed by some catch up with my husband and son, a decent driving practice and some good relaxation before my parents come to town, to say the least I would say the weekend was Awesome. Now back to all a long week of work before the Christmas break. 

Gratitude 09.12.2016

Realized my husband had planned for a beautiful get together for me along with my family here in December. Really grateful to know how much pain he has gone through to get this done.

Blessed to have a husband who thinks as much about my family as his own.

Spend some valuable time celebrating a friend’s birthday, grateful for having wonderful friends that are like family when you live so far away from your real ones,

Cuddled in with my son in the bed, one of the most precious moments in my life, everyday makes my life so worth it. To be hugged by those little hands pure love.

Life has thrown several highs and lows at me this year , has tested me to the extreme, I have struggled to keep my head high but I have moved forward, slowly but surely.

I am not perfect in fact far from it, but I am confident I am better than I was on the same day last year.

Goal October 3rd 2016

I have over the last few months brooding about the constant weigh gain that I have been having and the unhealthy lifestyle that I have sort.

Post a very public discussion of weight and a very uncomfortable me, I have decided to take some action.

If you know me you would know that I have never been someone who could diet or exercise, hence for me to have a realistic weight loss goals and lifestyle changes

For once I have always believed in the way Rujutha /Ayurveda describes weight loss. This has to be a lifestyle change, realistic and small and most importantly sustainable.

I am aiming to lose 5 kgs by end of year, it is a tall task but I am aiming high this time.

Changes I have decided to make

·         Hot water and lemon to start day

·         Reduce coffee/ tea

·         No snacking on junk

·         Plan meals well to include protein and vegetables

·         Make soup/ Sprout salad for 11 and bring to office

·         Triphala in the diet

·         Make wholesome homemade food.

·         No shopping in Sainsbury for junk

·         Target to make 13000 Steps a day / walk 45 mins

·         Early dinner before 7:30, slowly move this to 6:45 PM realistically can’t move it any more.

·         Restrict outside food to once a week

·         I can eat unhealthy food if I crave for it, but avoid it as much as I don’t crave it.

It is going to a huge task for me to keep this going, but I am sick and tired of not liking the way I look and not doing anything about it but brooding.

I think for me the hardest times to keep myself from snacking is the time from 10-1 , 3-5 at office and then as soon as I reach home. I need to plan meals or snacks around this time that I can carry to work.

I have lost half a kg from the time I actually initially weight myself, but sustenance and continuous weight loss together is going to a big challenge. 

Being grateful 18.09.2016

We had our customary Onam celebrated with the extended friends and family in Croydon . It was a very early start for the same , starting at as early as 9 am. It a large gathering of around 100 people and we had songs and dance and food and games. It was really a high energy fun college day with lots of screaming and dancing , singing and fun. It was truly nice to destress like this after a real long time.

I am really happy to see the progression my son has made in terms of his confidence. He is now really confident to get on stage do dances , sing laugh talk to people , which is a far cry from the shy behind his parents boy that he was 2 years ago. I am really happy to see the giant steps he is making towards being an independent boy.. Aww I am going to miss my little boy though.

Over the last 2 weeks , we have completely managed to switch off TV from Pranav’s life, though a very tough decision on him , I felt it was necessary at the time, to disconnect him, this has helped in so many ways that I can’t believe a TV has so much of impact on a child’s life. He is so much more happier and nicer and humble and less cranky . He has learned to play with his toys , do things on his own. I love the quality time I get with him evening where he really connects with me , hugs me cuddles me loves me. Truly blessed. 

Summary after India trip

I am back from a 2 weeks holiday in India which was a well-deserved break from the mundane life in UK just enough to give me more perspective about my life and things I need to achieve over the next few years . Getting back to reality from a break is always difficult and hence I am trying to put this back into perspective and writing them down obviously helps

I started off this year with a goal to achieve small but significant achievements that would add value to my life and so far this year I have managed to have a few.

·         I have fulfilled my dream of having a flat for my parents in India, though much smaller than what I had expected but definitely a tick in the right direction.

·         Got permanent residence for UK which allows us to be in UK for as long as we wish , though might sound like a small deal , the process to get here has been quite elaborate

·         Got to spend some time with Anish’s family , though had been hectic was definitely a change from the normal life we are used to

·         Managed to make a few strides towards learning to swim , though nowhere close to swimming independently , I can safely say I can keep myself from drowning

·         Enrolled myself for a music class, though has been extremely hectic to include this into the schedule has been extremely stress relieving and enjoyable.

·         Pranav has evolved into a much confident 5 year old and he has started classes in keyboard, dance, Malayalam and continuing his swimming

Action to be taken

·         Learn to drive

·         Learn to cycle

·         Spend more time with Pranav focussing on his learning 

Today is 13.09.2016, Uthradam

Gratitude

Today is 13.09.2016, one day before Onam.

I am grateful for being able to spend quality time with Pranav every day. After getting home, now that the TV is permanently been taken away , he is so much more calmer and happier . I am also forcing myself away from technology after going home and this has really helped me to bond better with Pranav.

Yesterday we played building blocks, lie down on bed and spoke about school , did some reading and writing practice, cooked and even tided up together. Last few months I have been constantly complaining about the lack of time I have with him ,but today I have realised after the last few days of forced detachment from technology that time was always there but it was just a matter of me taking notice.

I am very happy that slowly I am getting back on track with my cleaning routine and cooking, I can now happily say that I have not eaten out for more than 3 weeks .I am also grateful to see the baby steps my son is taking towards eating healthy another thing on my never ending to do list to accomplish this year.

Happy to see the dedication Anish has toward cycling slowly but surely he is getting leaner and more importantly fitter. I also need to get some kind of exercise factored into my routine.